There are many celebrations in December, such as: Mother Day every 22nd December, and Christmas Day every 25th December. Through these celebrations, we realize that the most important thing in life is LOVE.
Medical world say that the oxytocin hormone influences the sense of love. The oxytocin hormone is found in all humans, men and women. An experiment said that there is a three-fold increase of oxytocin for breast-feeding women and men when they ejaculate semen.
John Alan Lee introduced six kinds of love, namely: three kinds of primary love (in the Greek language: Eros, Ludus, and Storge) and three kinds of secondary love (Mania, Pragma, and Agape). Primary love can give the differences clearly, while secondary love is the combination of the types of primary love. The Mania type is the combination of the Eros and the Ludus. The Pragma type is combination of the Ludus and the Storge, whereas the Agape type is the combination of the Eros and the Storge.
The Characteristics of Eros:
- It’s based on the power of physical and emotional attraction, and a desire for the beloved.
- Eros is full of passion.
- Erotic love focused on an idealized view of people.
- Love at first sight is an erotic love, based on the power of physical attraction.
The Characteristics of Ludus:
- ‘Ludus love’ is focused on the pleasure of playing games.
- There are no commitments involved, only entertainment.
- There is no jealousy, as there is no commitment or enduring link between the game players.
- For them their pleasure-based love is free of anxiety and always happy as it is free of commitments, jealousy or consequences.
- Multiple sexual partners is part of the Ludus way of life.
- Such lovers are comfortable in taking up and disposing of multiple partners – the modern ‘hook-up’ – in the eternal search of the Perfect Love.
The Characteristics of Storge:
- The sense of love is less passionate, but grounded in deep affection.
- A strong commitment to the relationship is made.
- Trust between the lovers is foundational to this relationship.
The Characteristics of Mania:
- This is the combination of Eros and Ludus.
- This is an obsessive love, very intense, full of anxiety and jealousy.
- They always think of the object of their affections, in a possessive manner.
- They have a strong need to be loved.
- They insist that this love must endure continually, regardless of the circumstances.
The Characteristics of Pragma:
- This is the combination of Ludus and Storge.
- The love is looked as a realistic and simple thing.
- They focus on shared personality traits and goals between themselves and the beloved.
The Characteristics of Agape:
- This is the combination of Eros and Storge.
- This love focuses attention on the beloved without concern for the lover.
- The love is intense, and full of comradely and unity.
- They increase the quality of love with altruism and sleflessness, where the beloved is more important than the lover.
Robert Sternberg, a psychologist, give the opinion that the love is a personal relationship which has three basic components. In the other word these components will establish the love. The three components, namely :
Intimacy is the closeness between two individuals. Here the closeness can be physical closeness and emotional closeness. The intimacy is very depend on the trust of one individual to the other.
The word passion is derived from the Latin, patior, which means suffering, pain, or torture. The passion can be defined as the very strong and deep emotions to someone. This strong emotion sometimes defeats logic. The sentence “The only thing I want is you” is a good way to describe passion. In passion, there is a very strong need to be always together: this passion can’t be diverted or stifled by others. The passion can be defined as a sexual stimulus too.
Commitment is the feeling of unity, of a strong bond between two individuals. This attachment has endured for a long time, so commitment can be defined as the faithfulness that connects two individuals. In a committed relationship, a person will feel everything that they do will influence the other. When two persons share a commitment, it can be allegorized like they are on a ship. Everything that they have is in the boat, so they have an agreement to stick together on the journey, so they can safely reach their destination. When one of them abandoned the ship, the commitment has been violated.
Turning from romantic love, I will now talk about the fathers’ love. Why this topic? Because the father has a role to play in their childrens’ development. I think many fathers believe that their job is to earn a living: the job of raising infants and young children was traditionally delegated to the mother. Do you realize that a father has an important role in the developing confidence in their children? Let’s look at the early life of a child!
A child begins life united to his (or her) mother. The child literally is fused into his mother’s body. Even after birth, the infant is singularly dependent on his mother; she is the source of his nourishment and security. Over time, however, the child learns that the mother is a separate person – a potentially frightening realization, because independence means that you can be alone. So where does the father enter in? In past decades, he was considered an outsider to the mother-child fusion, and referred to as the first “outsider.” In many homes, the job of raising infants and young children was traditionally delegated to the mother; fathers represented “the world,” the part of experience that was “out there,” beyond the front yard of our homes. However, in recent years fathers have come to be seen as capable of bonding very early with their infants. In fact, researchers say that whoever cares for the child’s physical needs in a tender and appropriate way will be noticed by the child.1 Burlingham notes that even in the mother-child act of breast-feeding, the child can be looking up at the father while suckling.2 This means that infants can get messages from their fathers and may bond very early with them – if the men are tender and nurturing. But while it is possible for men to bond with infants, such tender intimacy is rare.
A child’s father is typically the first male to write his thoughts and feelings on his child’s heart. Fathers, therefore, need to be sensitive to the messages their every word and action inscribe on that tender surface. Their children enter the world like tiny sponges, ready to absorb every little impression about themselves and their identity. They are unsure of who they are: Am I special? they ask. Am I valuable? Am I good? Am I merely an annoyance? Their fathers play a primary role in answering those questions. If the children don’t get these things from their father, they will be a ‘father hunger’. One more example: there is a man, his name is Joe. When he hit the golf ball to the water and the woods, he always said “you are as brainless as a crow.” A few days later I was at a party when Joe’s older sister dropped a paper plate full of goodies onto the carpet. Her immediate response was to scold herself for being – you guessed it – “brainless as a crow.” Then that unusual saying is asked to his sister. She paused for a moment, and then remembered that it was something her father had always said to her when she was “bad.” Today, these two adults still belittle themselves with the same words their father used, even though the man has been dead for twenty-five years.
The father hunger can be felt by the children who have a dominating father. The children’s abilities and creativities will be lost if the father is too forceful. A clear example is shown with Charles Ives’ life. The life of Charles Ives shows that it is often difficult for a child to understand the depths of his father’s influence. Ives was a brilliant man but he lacked insight into the effect of his father on him. Though he and his father spent time together, it was not a healthy interaction. You may think your father was a “good” father, but for your own well-being, you must evaluate the relationship you had and have with him. Some of my patients call their fathers “good” as a way to defend against their “bad” experiences with them. I’ve heard many abused children quote their fathers as though they are sages. They believe their fathers are “good” because that’s better than accepting the dark reality. Even an involved father may not be a “good” father. Some men have trouble changing from being a protective father of a little child to a mentoring father of a young adult. Many protective fathers struggle to allow a young adult child to develop his own uniqueness, vocation, or parenting style. It’s interesting to note that Charles Ives had his conflicts with his father when they stopped playing music together and Charles moved away, showing signs of independence. After his father’s death, the music of his father filled his mind, perhaps haunting him, and he began to write constantly-utilizing every bit of his spare time to create music. After almost thirty years of productive composition, Ives’s output began to taper off. Why? Charles’s unconscious identification with his father affected not only the content of Charles’s music, but the exact time it ceased. After memorializing his father in his musical compositions, Charles “died,” in a sense, in that he allowed his creativity to die. Specifically, when Charles reached the age of forty-eight, he began to pull his works together, publishing them in 1922. The following year, when he was forty-nine (the age at which his father died), Ives’s creative impulse died. The length of his father’s physical life thus marked the length of Charles’s creative life. While many of his materials continued to be performed and praised after this time, nevertheless, in his remaining decades Charles Ives functioned largely as a “cantankerous recluse.”
Father hunger is particularly relevant for gay men. After all, the first important relationship that serves as a template for future love and intimacy with men is between a boy and his father. Many gay men experience a particularly painful distance from their fathers — resulting in men who have some of their most basic father needs unmet. Gay men are also more likely not to have masculine role models or to participate in the cultural processes that help them mature into adult masculinity. It’s easy, without the intervention of the mature masculine, for a young gay man to become a “lost boy.” He finds it nearly impossible to fulfill his promise in the world, and his true gifts often lie dormant. It is not until the internal immature masculine unites with the mature masculine that a man’s potential can be realized.
Many people have a void inside them that is due to “father hunger,” and this disguised hunger has had great impact on the way they live. Do any of these statements apply to you?
- When I think about my father I become emotional – insecure, sad, or angry.
- When I’m with my father I don’t act like myself; I’m either childish or grandiose.
- I consider my father wonderful, but others think I’m fooling myself.
- I feel numb toward my father.
- I have trouble with competitiveness.
- My motivation is poor because I feel beaten down.
- I have difficulty establishing relationships.
- I move too quickly into new relationships.
- I’m confused about my identity – it’s not as if my father ever made me feel good about myself.
- I don’t feel like a real man.
- I lack confidence in my femininity.
- I feel unattractive.
- I feel incompetent.
- It is difficult for me to relax.
- I have problems with my sexuality.
- Being assertive is hard for me.
- People seem to feel that I violate their boundaries.
- I’m afraid to get too close to others.
- I fear being abandoned.
- Authority makes me uneasy.
- My father’s criticism hurt me too much. Now I have difficulty accepting criticism.
- God often feels a million miles away.
- I have little interest in spirituality.
- When my father does not provide the emotional support my mother needs, my mother unknowingly tries to get me to provide that support.
- My father confides in me too much.
- My father and I do not talk openly and honestly about our lives.
- I keep trying to please everybody – especially father-types or mentors.
- I run to things and people to nurse myself in a compulsive way.
- I am rarely satisfied.
- I live with a vague, diffused fearfulness.
- My mother’s boyfriend annoys me.
- My stepfather and I do not get along very well.
- I am a parent who worries I am repeating my father’s and grandfather’s mistakes.
- Sometimes I feel like an orphan.
We can conclude that the children need the love from their father. Don’t think that the job of the fathers is only to earn the life! Remember, the fathers hold the key roles to develop their children’s confidence! The next question is: “Do you want your children to suffer from father hunger?
Written by : Catherine Maname Uli
Edited by : Mr. Alvin, teacher of EF Pluit
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